Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the
summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the
winter.
The two most important events in all history were the invention of
beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get
man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization
and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into
two distinct subgroups: Liberals
and Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the
beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can
were invented yet, so while our early human were sitting around
waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the
brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at
night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what
is known as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to
live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and
doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning
of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest
became known as girliemen.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of
cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs and the concept
of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that
conservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest,
most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are
symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most
prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but
like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard
liberal fare.
Another interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women
have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers,
government employees, personal injury attorneys, journalists, home
interior designers, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are
liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it
wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still
provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo
cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical
doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines,
and generally anyone who works productively.
Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to
actually work for a living. Liberals produce little or nothing. They
like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the
production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than
Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when
conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild
West was tamed and created a business of trying to get MORE for
nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history.
It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to
angrily respond to the above before forwarding it. A Conservative
will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this
history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true
believers. And to more liberals just to piss them off.